I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
