Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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