It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
