Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
