You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
