I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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