Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I supernannyed him into submission
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
