Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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