she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
