i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
