Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
then he tried to convert me to islam
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
