Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
