Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
