White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
