one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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