sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
