i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
