you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
