I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
