Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
