then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
