You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
