Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
