She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
