I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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