Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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