On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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