My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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