broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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