Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
