Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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