Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
