you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
