I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
