i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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