I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
