How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
