i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
someone owes me an orgasm
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
