Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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