This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
