I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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