i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize