At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
