I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
