She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
