she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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