i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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