I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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