Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
