We're facebook friends in real life
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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