i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
