If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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